Random Gear Stories with Snake
by Cthulhu456
Summary: Snake listens to gay stories about Raiden being gay in the hopes of avoiding turning gay. Doesn’t make sense to me either.
1. Chapter 1, Flake Eater Pt1

CHAPTER 1, PART 1 - 'FLAKE EATER'

'What do I find? But a greasy freebooter!'

'Indeed,' replied Snake. 'Indeed.' He's smoking.

'I see you're something of a badass, Snake. That's fine- I'd expect nothing less of a man with the same codename as the boss.'

Snake coughs. 'And which _boss_ is that?'

'You havn't met him, and I suspect you never will.'

'Oh really?' rasps Snake.

'Yes, really. But you know what, Snake? You and I are soldiers- a dying breed.

'How do you know?'

'It's quite simple. When you turned in this boy to me, I knew that you felt it too.'

'Sorry Jack,' Snake says. Raiden's all tied up in the back. 'Felt what?'

'Our connection. I don't know exactly how it happened…'

Snake interrupts. 'Listen old man. I don't want my last few minutes of smoking spoilt by your muddled anecdotal bullshit.'

'Ah but you will listen.'

'Why?'

'Because this story is about how gay Raiden is.'

'Yeh get with it old man all the stories are about how gay Raiden is.'

'Ah but this one's different. You'll just have to listen.'

Reluctantly Snake pulls a seat up to the fire and listens.

…

One day in… erm… Manhattan, say, there was a gay boy. His name was Raiden.

'No- you mean his name was Jack.'

That's what I said. Jack was a gay little boy. He was leader of the gay boy unit.

'That's the small boy unit, you moron.'

Listen, Snake- I'm telling this story. It may not be exactly how you remember it but it'll be cool anyway. Trust me, yeh? After all I'm your father.

'But…'

Don't ask. For fuck's sake don't ask. Anyway, as I was saying… this gay fellow Raiden was walking down the street in Manhattan. 'Ghosh that little flake is gay,' said Vamp. He starts licking himself, all horny like. And then climbing up the walls. He's watching from the top of a building, you see, 'coz, after all he's pretty gay too. Or bi-. Or whatever. Point is Vamp's up there getting all hot over Raiden.

'I say we kill him,' said The Fear and…

'Look The Fear wasn't alive in 2005.'

Snake, man…. Shut the fuck up and listen, son. Anyway where was I… oh yeh. 'Oh Jack,' said Rose.

'Rose was there?' Snake gets hebitchmanslapped by … 'Hey who are you anyway?'

I am The Boss. Your Boss. The Big Boss. Snake gives that 'are you serious?' look. 'Aw who cares just finish the story.'

Okok. The Fear, now he's got an even longer tongue than Vamp so you know he's gotta be a fag. He starts licking himself too. So they're all up there licking eachother. Rose says 'Jack what day is it?' Raiden's thinking 'man this chick is really cramping my style,' as he begins to drift off into remembering why it he's with her in the first place. Cue Raiden's first night in a gay bar. The little blonde mother walks up to the bar and sits down. 'Give me an Avian.' 'We only serve big boy drinks here bud.' A fat old white guy sits down next to him. It's totally The End. 'Can I get a drink for the bird?' he says. 'What bird?' says Raiden. 'This one,' says The End. 'There's no bird here,' says Raiden. 'Look closer,' says The End, at which point it becomes obvious to anyone watching that this is either The End failing to deal with the fact that Big Boss killed his parrot some 60 years ago OR its some kind of extremely bizarre near-future style homosexual innuendo shit. One or the other. But not to Raiden. This dumb gay little bastard just stares up at the old bastard, wide blues eyes shining in the dim light of the stuffy bar, as though nothing else mattered…

'Hate to interrupt, _Boss_, but first off didn't you shoot the parrot?'

'What?'

'The parrot. The End's parrot. It's dead, but you said Big Boss killed it.'

'So?'

'You're Big Boss.'

'…'

'Right?'

'Yes.'

'So?'

'So what?'

'So why did you say Big Boss shot the parrot. Why didn't you say _I_ shot the parrot.'

'…'

'C'mon, _Dad_.'

'I shot the parrot.'

'Why didn't you say that the first time?'

'I refer to myself in the third person.'

'Since when?'

'Sometimes.'

'I've never heard that before.'

'…'

'Fuck that then. Secondly… "_wide blues eyes shining in the dim light…_" what the hell is that? You getting off on this story?'

'I fully get into it…' Snake rolls eyes. '…_son_.'

'Ergh…. Just finish the story.'

Well where was I upto. You confuse me heaps, boy. So at The End's house…

'We're at The End's house now?'

Chill the fuck out. Bitch. The atmosphere is crucial. The lino was all polished up… dinnerware for two set out neatly on the table… some romantic music playing (can't say what song or by who 'coz I'm not down with it, dawg)… empty birdcage swaying…

'I'm getting bored of this.'

Ok fine. Long story short, they had a kid, and it's Ocelot.

Snake is pissed.

…

_Continues in Part 2 of_ Chapter 1 – Flake Eater


	2. Chapter 1, Flake Eater Pt2

CHAPTER 1, PART 2 - 'FLAKE EATER'

_Previously on_ Chapter 1 - Flake Eater… Snake and some dude say some stuff- you didn't really miss much.

'That's it. That's fuck'n it,' yells Snake. You can tell he's pissed.

'What do you mean?' wonders The Boss.

'First off, for the record, I think this is all bullshit.'

'How do you mean, son?'

'Don't call me that, it freaks me out.'

'Fine. I won't.'

'Thank you. This is going nowhere. I mean, what happened to The Fear and Vamp? What the fuck did they have to do with it at all? Then… Raiden and The End… I don't even want to picture that.'

'I didn't make you.'

'Again, thank you. Even if they did… you know… yeah, that… then who's the mother… or you know… who did it come out from? Actually who even cares? I know they didn't give birth to Ocelot- The Boss and The Sorrow are his parents!'

'Really? No way! How do you know?'

'Shoulda payed more attention when you played Metal Gear Solid 3.' Snake winks.

'True, but it's so damn complicated to figure out.'

'Did you even play it?'

'Nah... I only got up to that part where you're in the room and those guys come in yelling "Move!" and there's like 8 of them, and where you have to hide under the bed, but then they chuck that flash bang grenade and everything goes white, and you can't see and then you kill the guys but don't have enough ammo so you have to use that CQC shit on them but the guy on the roof has a shotty and he smashed you when you're climbing up and you can't do shit…'

'Yawn'

'Ok so it was too hard, happy? Still don't believe you about the Boss being his mother. I mean she was American… why the hell would she call a yankee kid "Adamska" ?'

'I didn't write it man. But just think about it. If you _are_ the boss, then you fought Ocelot on that ridge with the beehives over 60 years ago.'

'That I did. Was a tremendously difficult battle too.'

'Yeh whatever I did it on special with the Nagant and 8 rounds.' The guy claiming to be Big Boss grumbles. 'But yeh if you did fight him then that means he's all old now- if he's Raidens kid then he'd be younger than Raiden… but he's not.'

'Bear in mind, Snake, that the Metal Gear storyline has done weirder shit before.'

'Alright I admit. What about that arm thing? That was pretty fucked up, eh?'

'Hey man back up, that's my next story.'

'Ok fine. Whatever. Shit I've got to sit through another one?'

'That's right- there's no escape! Hahahahahaha.'

Snake can't take any more of this. 'I can't take any more of this. You're full of crap. Raiden! Get your sweet little ass over here.' Raiden who is all tied up in the back sortof manages to waddle over. 'Now if I untie you, you gotta promise to tell me what really happened with you and The End ok? And not try to like perform gay sexual acts on me with your mouth or anything ok?

Raiden talks with the gayest voice you've ever heard. No offence to Mr. Flynn, he did a decent job of making Raiden, an inherently gay character sound like as much of a hero as a gay character with a gay script can be. Which is to say pretty gay. But not his fault- his is not the voice you need to be imagining here. I don't know what the Jap dude who voiced Raiden sounds like, but if it's gay then that's what he should sound like here too. If not… well… buggered if I know- just imagine something. 'The truth about me and The End is… nothing,' says Raiden. Gay-ish-ly. 'He works at the bar.'

'But he's dead.'

'Not to me.' Snake and Boss look at each other and shrug. 'I would have given anything to go back with him to his place… to his romantic music and his empty birdcage…'

'I've had enough of this,' moans Snake, 'Listen gayboy, answer this- DID YOU SLEEP WITH THE END OR NOT?'

'By all that is righteously beautiful, no… He said, "I don't do gay little flakes like you"'

'Dammnit, we've heard enough then.' Snake gags him and boots him back to the corner. 'And stay there faggot! So, in conclusion, I was right and he could not possibly be Adamska's father!'

'No, he couldn't.' In steps a shadowy figure, seemingly cut from Casablanca although he may have appeared in the deleted scenes. I don't know since I hate that shit.

'How do you know you pancake?'

'I am Shalashaska! Also called…'

'Revolver…'

'Revolver…'

'Revolver…'

'…Ocelot. I heard everything, and I'm pissed you boys are being so harsh on the homosexual community. They're pretty decent guys- they can be badasses too. Now I'll show you why they call me…'

'Hold up. You're gay?' queries Snake.

'Why yes? Did you think the spurs and coat were all for show?'

'Hey sorry, man, I didn't mean anything by that. Gays are cool.'

'Cheers, Snake that means a lot to me. Don't worry, no harm done. And just between you and me, flakes like Raiden, well, even the gay community hates queer fairy bastards like that.'

'Preach,' hollers Snake.

'But what upsets me more than that little boy, is that this man is an imposter!' Ocelot points to the Boss. Everyone in the room gasps.

'I knew it!' cries Snake. 'I mean I'm meant to be a clone of him, and he's black.'

'You're a moron Snake,' cries Raiden. Snake has a zero tolerance thing going on now. He presses R2 to equip the SOCOM and extermines him with extreme prejudice.

'Truly the "Flake Eater",' warrants Ocelot. 'Now I came here looking for Big Boss, and what do I find, but a greasy freebooter! This man is not the Boss!'

Snake asks the question that they're all thinking. Or should be. They might not be following anymore, since this is getting kinda long and pointless. 'Then who is he?'

_Find out next time on_ Chapter 2 - Fils de booter libre!


	3. Chapter 2, 2 Sons of Liberty

CHAPTER 2 – 2 SONS OF LIBERTY

_Previously on_ Chapter 1 - Flake Eater… Ocelot is about to tell us all who this black dude posing as the Boss is.

'This man is in fact the DARPA chief, Donald Anderson,' proclaims Ocelot.

''Tis true. I am the said chief,' sighs the previously-unknown black man. 'I just did it for attention.' He starts crying. Ocelot steps over to console him.

'There there it will be alright. Your secret is safe with me, son,' consoles Ocelot.

Meanwhile Snake is having a tough time swallowing this unexpected twist. 'Ok this is ridiculous. First off everyone knows the DARPA chief is dead. Or at least I know he's dead. I saw him dead. I guess other people might not know, so it's ok for you to make that mistake. But still the fact remains. He's dead, so you can't be him.' Donald nods, concedingly. 'Further, even if you are him, you wouldn't know all that stuff about Ocelot and The End and whatnot.. you just wouldn't.'

'Heeyyyy,' Ocelot whinges, 'you were bitchin' 'bout me behind my back?'

'I err.. well… you see…' Obviously not having a proper answer, the up-till-now vocal guy trebles down. Meanwhile Raiden, who is gagged makes some muffled noises to get everyones attention.

'What is it, gay boy?' Snake enquires. Raiden makes some muffled attempts at real straight human communication. 'Do you think you've figured it out? And know who this guy really is?' Raiden nods as if to say yes. 'Ok then fag but be warned- if I take that shit off you, and find you _aren't_ in correct possession of the facts, I'll leave such a huge mark on your ass it'l make the Big Shell look like a birthmark.' A confused stare is shared between the cowboy and the indian. Again, Raiden nods. 'Ok then,' says Snake as he removes the gags.

The boy splutters a bit before he speaks. 'The truth is.. this man is Decoy Octopus in disguise!' Everyone rolls their eyes. Snake readies his SOCOM. Again.

'Boy, I outa whoop yo ass 5 ways from Sunday,' says ghetto-Snake 'Everyone knows that…' Ocelot coughs. 'Oh, sorry- you weren't there. My bad. Ok well _I_ know that Octopus is also dead. I saw 2 dead black DARPA chiefs at Shadow Moses… he was sure as hell one of them.' This plot hole was undeniable. Although Raiden copped the bullet, all of them were stumped as to what to propose next. 'What a waste.'

'Hows that?' calls Ocelot whose gaze is occupied with his PSP.

'The bullet- I swore I put one in this flake during the last chapter.'

'SOCOM is pussy American weapon. Adamska suggest Broomhandle. Get job done.'

'You mean Red9-Broomhandle, or Broomhandle-Broomhandle? And ditch that accent. Makes you sound like a moron.'

'Sorry,' apologises Ocelot who is now slightly blushing, 'I just feel a bit guilty here with all you Yankees. Gotta do something to show I'm not betraying beloved Mother Russia. And this Broomhandle.' He holds up a crude looking wooden stick weapon of some sort. Snake had never seen anything like it. Then his eyes widened.

'Damnit Ad- can I call you Ad? He's gay you know. And if you're worried about the Russian loyalty thing, ditch the cowboy get-up. That's really giving the girl a big ol' kick in the pants.' Ocelot curiously examines the American-ness of his attire. 'Anyway… back to…' They both look around. Both Raiden, and the DARPA chief / The Boss person have disappeared. 'What the…?' they wonder.

'Fools!' Looking up above, they see where the insolent voice came from. On the rafters above, with Raiden over his shoulder, stands… that guy.. who they don't know who he is. :S He chuckles, now with a decidedly British accent. Exeter, in fact. Although I'm not sure. 'You've been talking to me, _brother_.'

'Liquid!' Snake shouts. Secretly he's thinking something like 'not this shit again.'

'That's right! I noticed the pause, Snake. You're losing it. I understand though- why you didn't figure out it was me. You're nothing but another dieing clone of the old man. While I, I live on through…'

This arm, we know. The two men back on the ground start yawning. However to their amazement the guy up there is all black. IE he cannot possibly have Liquid's arm. 'Hey you can't live on through the arm.'

'I know. As I was saying, I live on through this…'

Finger? Leg? Snake would hate to think what else was talking to him.

'…through this… single strand of DNA!' Mwahahahaha'

Snake yawns. 'Well that blows. Which one?'

'I'm sorry?'

'Which single strand of DNA?'

'Oh… errmm… cough … this one' He points to a miscellaneous area of his midsection.

'Whatever.'

'But to learn the real truth, you're going to have to hear another story!'

'But you just told me the real truth. I already know the ending now. Who cares.'

'Ah but you will want to hear this story! You've wanted to hear the truth about this since we were both 18 back in high school.'

'WTF? I didn't know you even existed 'till a while back when you wanted to steal the Metal Gear.' This one is Snake talking, just in case you were confused.

'Okok this is about the time I knocked up Meryl while you got all drunk and fell asleep in the torture room.'

'Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…' Snake falls to his knees. 'Ok, you can tell me that story.'

A mysterious voice emanates from Ocelot's coat. 'Actually, if you want _that_ story, I can offer a more "hands-on" recount of those events.' Ocelot involuntarily winks.

'Identify yourself, coated fiend!' demands Snake. He could have sworn the voice was David Bowie's.

'I am, in fact…'

'Yesss?'

'…also Liquid Snake! But unlike that other fool I aint confused about my pigmentation And I can assure you, this hand had a lot more fun with that fine piece of ass then that pussy DNA strand- I don't reckon he felt a thing.'

Ocelot looks up sadly at Snake. 'Sorry Snake, I forgot to tell you he still also lives on through this arm.'

'Great,' sighs Snake. 'So which one of who messed up fools is gonna tell me about my girl?'

'There is only one way to settle this!' says Black-Liquid Snake.

'Indeed!' agrees Ocelot-Liquid Snake.

Both produce a PSP. 'Using ad-hoc wireless gameplay, I can stand up here,' says the black one.

'And I down here,' says the other one.

'And we can both settle this in MORTAL KOMBAT!' they both echo at the same time.

'Hold up,' Snake interrupts, 'There's no Mortal Kombat for the PSP. What are you guys really playing?' Ripping the machine away from Ocelot, he stares dumbfounded at the screen.

'You guys… were playing...' They both nod. 'Nooooooooooooooo…'

_What were these 2 geeks cough I mean sons of liberty playing? Find out next time, in Chapter 3!_


End file.
